From A Black Tiger

I was born in 1985. From that time till 2004 my life was rounded and went on beautifully with studies, sports and friends. During my school life, I never thought about this world or the problem in our country. All I knew were friends, sports, and studies.

In 2004, I completed my studies, left school, and entered society. I faced the next phase of my life as a raw individual. I thought I will continue to have a happy life and I came to Colombo in 2005 to study. It was a time of peace and freedom. I decided to visit my uncle in Vanni (Vavuniya) for the very first time. So I went.

There (Vanni) I went through a change in my life unexpectedly. I was robbed of my right to decide for my own life. At that moment I did not understand it. I was not aware that I was living a life that was decided by somebody else. That means I was taken by the LTTE. It was a completely different life from the one I had lived up to January 2005. There is a big gap between that life and this life. I experienced more loneliness in this life. My speech decreased, my laughter became less, and my brain empty. This is the basic training given by the LTTE. All this time was an illusion. Sometimes I found it good for me. Other times it was difficult for me. In that place, at first without my knowledge I became quiet. I learned to be alone without talking to anybody. I learned to laugh at lies (pretended to laugh). I learned to have one thing in my mind and do something else. I stopped taking what was not needed/necessary and spoke only about what was necessary.

 I changed in this manner and that became natural to me. One thing I knew was that there, there was only one kind of thought, action, and talk. Links with the outside world were severed. I was not taught about society or prepared to live in society. All that we received and knew was hatred, murder, and destruction. What we knew about the world, in which of the countries had what kind of problem, and about men such as Hitler. There they taught us to turn love into a passion for killing. If I had a friend and if he dies in an attack or fighting for that reason, they made it into a worse murderer. They would brainwash us saying ‘your friend sacrificed his life and the Sinhalese killed him’). But a Sinhalese youth has been killed by your friend. If your friend died when attempting to kill someone, I have never heard them use the word man/person to refer to the one who stands against your friend or opposes him. I did not understand it at that time. Besides they made me think that I was a hero.

During that training period, there was no room or opportunity to even think of the evil that it embodied. Family and relationships are forgotten in that place. Those who experience it only will understand it more than those who hear of it. There is a time that we would be changed even without our own knowledge. So I too changed and I liked it very much. They also won. The films they showed were only about fighting and killing. There was no place for love affairs. So I was changed and without any kind of links with the outside world, I was prepared for the next stage of my life. That means a passion and loyalty to that group, to those in charge, to those who sacrificed their lives for the group/movement was built in me. We knew and saw only this, nothing else can come in.

Then I came to a stage where I had no love for myself. I had no value for my life. At that time I didn’t know anything but this. Relatives were distanced when I think of them I feel sad. Therefore I purposely put them away from my thoughts. I didn’t understand at that time. I was ready to give myself fully, even to destroy myself, in order to destroy another person, to create trouble in another person’s life, and to hurt another person. Then I was deceived. I couldn’t control my mind, nor my intelligence. I did not know that I had lost control of everything. I wasn’t aware that I was like a puppet, and listening to all that they said. This was the only world I knew. I felt like doing something for them. The life until 2005 was forgotten. There was a craving for life with the LTTE. Then came a change in my life. Pottu Amman called me and said ‘you have to go to Colombo and work’. I also accepted the offer happily. Even at that time, I didn’t realize that I had a life for myself, and the thought that I had to decide for my life never occurred to me. I agreed to this kind of life for somebody else.

Afterward in August 2006, I got an opportunity to live in society. I did not know that this was a bad move. With enmity, without the fear of murder, without any interest in my own life, not even realizing that I was cheating my parents, believing this evil state of mind as a good state of mind, taking pride that I was going to do something good to someone and feeling like a hero, I stepped into this society. But I never thought that it will affect my life completely, or affect the mind of others.

Then I came to Colombo. As I arrived, my mind did not change. In the beginning, I was faithful and acted with the same attitude. Then I started to learn about the computer and to work outside. At that time I was between two minds. When I saw the people, I also wanted to go for a good job, walk around with my lover, talk with others, and eat with them. But these thoughts would get buried under those other thoughts. Even after I arrived here, I couldn’t converse with anybody. My relationship with others was not sincere, I cheated them. I told many lies. Then I thought of myself as an investigation officer and suffering for somebody’s good. At that time I used to often think that I must fall in love, be happy with my parents, get together with my kith and kin at occasions.

Accordingly, I started to move with those around me in Colombo. This was like heaven to me. I participated with them in the celebrations. When others trusted me and moved with me as a friend, I had a pain of mind. Yet I couldn’t give up that link. At the same time, I couldn’t forget this. Now for the first time, I had to go to make an attack. When I left, I did not feel happy nor sad. Because this is my first direct experience, I went there. There were many who were happily waiting to run the marathon. Even at that moment, nothing was clear to me. At that place, the person in charge of me gave me a boy. Told me to put him down at that spot. Then I looked at his face. There were a lot of changes within me. When he was going to die, I became aware of myself. Why should he die I thought. What he said at that time is ‘tell Pottu Amman not to doubt me, I will do it. This made me think. Then only I understood. They were giving us a lot of pressure from behind. His eyes full of tears, his face at the final moment of death, no one should face this type of situation. Then I understood things I didn’t by feeling a lot of things. I know that there was an iron fence around me. I was unable to do anything.

I took him and left him at that spot. In a little while, the person in charge said he died. Then I saw vehicles driving away. There was crying, everybody was weeping. Then I thought is it only the Tamils who are crying, because of our doing the Sri Lankans are also crying. I understood that life was life. Relations are relations for everyone. I knew the value of life.

Then I went home and watched the news. Then I was reminded of my mother and father. I thought how it would be if my mother or father was there at that spot. I did not know what else to do but cry. At that moment I understood clearly that I was not able to decide for my life and I was bound to a person who drove me according to his own wish. Then I made a decision. I don’t want to face such a situation. Oh, God! You protect me. I pleaded. I didn’t know what else to do. I was a lifeless person. I knew I will be called, but then I can’t help it. After that I knew it, I have sometimes told lies. I can go on relating.

When I was living like this, xxxx July 2009, when I was in Pettah I got a call saying ‘come, we must have an inquiry’. That day I felt so very happy. I said ‘wait I will come. And I surrendered to them. In the beginning, I was a little fearful. I must express my gratitude to xxxxx Sir. He gave me a lot of hope. I believed they will protect me. After that whenever I spoke I felt like crying. During inquiry or otherwise, I was always crying. Why such a life for me? I have never gone chasing after this kind of life. I would sob uncontrollably. They ask me why I am crying. I say that I was reminded of my mother because I knew they would laugh if I say that I was crying because of what I did. I pray to God that no one should face life like mine. I thought I must get an opportunity to relate to this and talk freely. So I thank you for listening and for giving me this opportunity.

(I can keep on telling).

About noelnadesan

Commentator and analyst of current affairs.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

மறுமொழியொன்றை இடுங்கள்

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  மாற்று )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  மாற்று )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  மாற்று )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  மாற்று )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.